Going Home

In 1940, two years after his passing, Thomas Wolfe’s final work was published.  In it he wrote, "You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood ... back home to a young man's dreams of glory and of fame ... back home to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time – back home to the escapes of Time and Memory."  It is a concept with which we all struggle – wanting to again touch the magic of our childhood.  While Wolfe is correct that we can never truly return to those days, from time to time we are given an opportunity to at least visit them briefly, and by walking those familiar paths and touching the old structures, we try to sweep away the accumulated years as if they were a thick layer of dust.  That is just what I was able to share with my father several years ago when we traveled to Illinois to visit his childhood homes.

Born in the Amish country of Arthur, Illinois in 1922, my father found himself moving from home to home in his early years before finally settling in Indianapolis, Indiana after WWII.  His family, however, remained in Tuscola, Illinois, the town in which he had spent his teen years and early manhood, and that is where our adventure began.

 

Dad and brother-in-law building house on Overton

Applying the siding.

We left the city of Indianapolis behind us and headed off through the Hoosier farmland along US 36 which connected it with Tuscola.  We passed over Raccoon Lake, our weekend retreat, and through the rolling hills and woods of Rockville.  Nearing Illinois, we passed through the small town of Dana, the birthplace of Ernie Pyle.  Leaving Montezuma, we crossed the Wabash River, and I noticed the brown soil of Indiana gave way to the rich, black prairie soil of Illinois.  We would continue on for another 45 minutes before I would start looking for the Tuscola water tower that had always signaled our destination was near.  From memory I knew that soon after entering the town we would look for the cemetery which abutted South Prairie Street, and that is where we would turn north.  On this trip, however, the cemetery was actually our first stop as Dad and I paid our respects to his parents.  Grandpa had passed in 1983 and Grandma had followed five years later.  Continuing on Prairie, I then looked for the half-buried wagon wheel which for so many years had signaled our turn onto Overton St., the road which was home to my grandparents the last 40 years of their lives.    I had not visited the town since Grandma’s death, and I struggled to pick out the old house which family and friends had built from a kit manufactured in Charleston, Illinois around 1946.  Gone was the wide, reddish-brown siding and in its place was aluminum siding resembling narrow, crisp white clapboards.  Something else seemed amiss with the old house, and that is when Dad and I realized that the new owners had removed the covered entry that for so many years had protected us from the rain as we rang the school bell that hung outside the side door to announce our arrival.  The large elm, heavily damaged during a severe ice storm that struck on my grandparents’ 50^th wedding anniversary in 1967, had long since been removed leaving the front yard bare.  It was on this tree as a boy that I spotted my first brown creeper spiraling up its thick trunk, and from whose bark I had collected the shed skins of newly emerged cicadas.

Dad's family on the stoop of the house on Overton

On the corner across from my grandparents’ home stood a small, nondescript apartment complex, but many decades earlier the lot had housed a large, white Victorian farmhouse where Dad had lived as a teenager.  In fact, the house is briefly visible in the background on the old home movie of my grandfather cleaning up the damage from that ’67 ice storm.  It had been a relatively modest farm with a small barn and a chicken house out back, a few fruit trees and the single milk cow the family had been allowed to keep after the Great Depression.  But on this day, there was no hint of my father’s boyhood home.  

We now left Tuscola and headed into the country towards the Sulfur Springs area, known affectionately to some of the locals as Chicken Bristle.  In 1929, the family, then living in Atwood, had loaded their possessions onto the hay wagon and moved to a rented farm in this rural area northwest of Tuscola.  Obviously, nearly 70 years later, the area had changed, but by using the various farms and creeks as landmarks, my father was able to eventually locate his boyhood home.  The house at Sulphur Springs was the site of a couple firsts for my father and his family.  It was the first home to have a basement, and it was also the first house to have a bathtub, although there was still no running water or electricity.  The tub sat in a bathroom on the main floor and emptied into a drain in the basement. 

House in Sulphur Springs. 

We pulled into the drive and my father went to the door to explain to the owners his connection to their home and to see if they would allow us to walk the property.  Thankfully, they granted us permission, so Dad and I walked around to the back of the property to see the land.  We were instantly greeted by a pair of riding horses, but seven decades earlier horses had served a very different function – they were needed to work the farm.  On one particular morning all those many years ago, my Dad’s older brother, Earl, was given the task of disking the soil.  Dad was sitting on the front of the harrow swatting the horses with a switch to keep them moving when suddenly he slipped off the bar and fell below the blades.  His brother quickly reined the horses to a stop, but it was too late.  Dad lay trapped and half-buried below the equipment.  Panicked, Earl jumped down and ran back to the house to get their mother, but thankfully by the time they returned, Dad had managed to dig himself out with only a cut on his arm.  Happily, on this day there would be no accidents nor near tragedies; we only stood and petted the horses.

Another view of the back of the Sulphur Springs property

Leaving the horses behind, Dad started walking the land trying to envision the farm of his youth.  There ahead of us near the old cow barn lay a ring of blocks that had once been the base of the farm’s silo but was now only a circular scar on the ground.  Dad turned and looked out across the pasture at the remains of the woodlot where his father had cut so much wood to heat the house and stove.  It was across this pasture, through the woodlot and over a stile my grandfather had built over the fence that my dad and his siblings would traverse each day to attend the small, one-room Sulphur Springs School.  The beloved Hallie Randolph was the teacher, and Dad was one of about 15 to 20 students.  An old school photo from October of 1929 shows my father standing with his classmates barefoot, hands buried deep in the pockets of his coveralls with a big fat pencil sticking out of his breast pocket.  His brother Earl has on shoes, and the family joke has always been that they could only afford to buy one pair of shoes and that was Earl’s week to wear them.

Dad (3rd from right in front) and Earl far right

Continuing our exploration and about 150 yards from the house, we came to the springs which gave the area its name.  Here in the summer my grandmother had chilled her homemade root beer in its cool water, only to have it occasionally pilfered by mischievous neighbors.  I can still hear the agitation in her voice as she recalled the thefts a half century later.  There had once been a water source much closer to the house, however, in the form of a rain cistern.  Just as she had made use of the spring to cool the root beer, Grandma would firm her butter by putting it in jars and hanging them in the cistern.  We left the pasture area and returned to the road.  Strolling past the house we spotted a large, red barn.  This had been the family’s horse barn.  To this city boy the barn looked quite large, but Dad informed me that when he had lived there the barn was even bigger.  For some reason, the subsequent resident had chosen to lower it by one floor, and that is how the barn remains today.

The old horse barn now one level lower

Grandma sweeping the old, rickety porch

We climbed back into the car and drove to the Arthur area where my father and his older siblings had been born.  As was the fashion of the day, the doctor had traveled the six miles by horse and buggy to deliver them.  This is where his parents had first set up housekeeping, farming a share of someone else’s property.  The house was old and rickety even then, and the porch was in such poor shape Grandma had to keep her gas powered washing machine outside in the yard.  Water would be fetched from the well across the street (which consequently placed it in the adjacent county) and was heated in a large, black kettle.  Time and progress had since claimed the old farm and all that survived on our visit was Dad’s memories. 

The Fifer farm then ...

...and now

The old pump is visible in the background on the porch

Not far from this area was my great grandfather’s farm purchased near the turn of the last century.  It consisted of several buildings in good repair and became known to our family simply as the “Fifer farm.”  When Dad and I had visited, it was owned by an Amish family.  The delightful consequence of this was that the farm had been practically preserved in a time capsule.  Here the land was still farmed by horsepower and no electricity flowed from the public grid.  We did not ask to enter the house, where once a long table flanked with benches made from split logs with wooden peg legs had graced the kitchen area.  However, peering through the window of the now enclosed porch we spied the old water pump still in use.  How many generations had pumped that handle to coax water from the well below?

The Fifer farm today.

I glanced over and spotted a large iron kettle rusting in the nearby weeds.  Dad instantly recognized it as the kettle that had stood in the wash house.  It was in this that his grandmother had made batch after batch of lye soap or boiled laundry.  Or was this the kettle in which she had cooked gallons of apple butter from the crop harvested from the family orchard in the fall?  Foolishly, we passed up an opportunity to purchase this old family heirloom.  Just as the old kettle had survived, so too had the wash house itself.  The boards were mostly bare of paint, standing silvery grey in the afternoon sun, and they had retreated from the ground as rot from water splashing off the soil had eaten away at their lower extremities.  Likewise, the barn and summer kitchen had likewise stood the test of time, albeit a little weatherworn.   

My great, great grandmother Hester, my great grandparents George and Jenny Fifer and my grandpa Jess along with his siblings.

"Aunt Sis" with the horses on the Fifer farm

My great grandfather, George Fifer, with his cattle

The horses that now work the farm

Dad took it all in, remembering all of his boyhood visits and experiences, and then it was over.  We climbed back into the car and left.  Behind us was a lifetime of memories, preserved in my father’s mind and reflected in the altered landscape and buildings of west central Illinois.  No, perhaps he could not “go home” as Thomas Wolfe had warned, but for one day Dad had at least brushed away some of the dust and looked upon the days of his youth once more.

Frozen in Time

“The sled started with a bound, and they flew on through the dusk, gathering smoothness and speed as they went, with the hollow night opening out below them and the air singing by like an organ.  Mattie sat perfectly still, but as they reached the bend at the foot of the hill, where the big elm thrust out a deadly elbow, he fancied she shrank a little closer.”

- Edith Wharton,  Ethan Frome

              
            Like Edith Wharton’s ill-fated lovers, I was charging down the hill in the dim light of dusk, but in my case, I was traveling alone and there were certainly no suicidal aspirations.  The period, I believe, was the winter of my junior year in high school, and the location was the long winding road that led through our camp at Raccoon Lake.  I’ve written many times about the halcyon days of my youth spent among the trees and hills surrounding this beloved lake in Parke County, Indiana.  The campground was mainly a warm weather adventure, with the entrance road chained closed after October.  For those who were brave enough to venture into the camp in winter, it was a quiet retreat with snow standing deep and untouched except for the scattered meandering tracks of the resident squirrels, raccoon, and deer that occasionally strolled through.  That December was one of the rare times my parents decided to make the trek to enjoy such a private winter wonderland. 

                The snow was several inches deep, and as I’ve already stated, the camp road was closed for the season.  So we took the county roads that created a sort of backdoor entrance to the camp.  Although hilly, these roads were at least well traveled meaning that if they had not been plowed, they were at least well compacted.  Dad turned off the county road and slowly eased the car into the deep powder which hid the path into the camp itself.  Our trailer sat at the midpoint of a steep hill, and given its grade and the depth of the snow, it was obvious the old Chevy impala was not going to make it back up even if we were able to inch our way down to the trailer.  It is what we had expected, and we had come prepared.  We parked the car and unloaded the well-worn American Clipper sled that for years had carried my siblings and me over the hills of Ellenburger Park and the Pleasant Run golf course.  To deliver our supply of clothes, food and water (which filled a few five gallon containers as well several rinsed gallon milk jugs) it would require a few trips up and down the hill.   Mom, Dad and I formed a single file line, and with the loaded sled tagging along behind, we made our way down the treacherous hill to the trailer.

                The end result of these repeated jaunts up and down the road was that we created a compact path from our car to the trailer.  The sled, being on metal runners rather than a flat-bottomed toboggan, had not liked the deep, loose snow, but now that the path was well worn and compressed, I found it moved much more easily.  It dawned on me that perhaps I could create sort of a bobsled style track on which to glide down the hill.  The course still needed some work, so I spent the afternoon stomping down the snow to widen the path.  I would work on a stretch then climb onto my sled and give it a try.  In doing so, I was able to “feel out” the best route.  The sled was not given to making sharp turns easily, so any change in direction had to be wide and sweeping.  I began pushing and piling the snow to the outside of these turns to create a banked effect, serving to both aid in the turning but also to add some excitement to the ride itself.    And so, in the shortened daylight of winter, it came to be that my “bobsled” track was completed just as the sun dipped below the lake leaving the camp in darkness.   I broke for dinner, but I could not resist taking at least one run before bedtime. 

                It was a clear evening and the moon was near its full state, illuminating the surrounding woods with its silvery blue light.  In fact, it was one of those evenings where the trees cast long shadows over the snowy ground.  I climbed the long hill to the level area at the top of the camp where we had left the car.  Sitting on the sled, I began advancing myself by using my mittened hands to “row” my way along until the ground started dropping off below me.  Little by little the sled began picking up speed, and I assumed my piloting position by flattening my body to the faded wooden deck.  I had done a good job of banking my turns, and the sled easily maneuvered through the sinuous path with very little input on my part.  It was a fun ride, yet I knew that tomorrow would hold even more promise as the packed snow would freeze creating a fast, icy surface.
 

For the time being, I contented myself by lying back on the sled, tucking my arms behind my head and enjoying the stars.  It was a calm evening, and the air felt deceptively warm.  Having just read Ethan Frome in my high school English course, my mind drifted to my favorite section – the sledding scene.  I pictured the two lovers barreling down a hill with the large elm looming before them.  I wondered what it would be like to have a girl holding tight to me as we bounced and glided down the hill in the moonlight.  Would anyone ever have enough passion for me that, like Mattie, they would rather die than be denied a relationship?  They were silly, self-absorbed questions from a lonely high school student longing for his first girlfriend.  I pushed the thoughts of girls out of my head and instead watched my breath rise above me.  For a while I tried blowing “smoke” rings, but just like my success with girls, my ability to blow rings was sadly lacking.  Finally, I started to feel the chill of the evening creep into my bones, so I retreated back to the warmth of the trailer and its pot-bellied stove.

The next day dawned clear and sunny - a perfect day for sledding.  Again, I towed my trusty sled to the top of the hill and set it in the track.  I made a preliminary run to test the speed of the course and how well my turns had firmed up overnight.  The results were encouraging.  So returning to the top of the hill, I prepared for a second run.   Mimicking the bobsledders I had watched on Wide World of Sports (I don’t recall having seen the luge at that point in my life,) I bent over the sled and took a running start, belly flopping onto the sled at the last possible moment and hanging on for the exciting ride that followed.  The path started straight before gently making a right hand turn.   The hill became much steeper at this point, and my speed picked up noticeably.  The trail now made a wide, sweeping curve arcing to the right, and at the apex of the bend the sled would bounce to the outside before being knocked back to the left by one of my bermed sides.  Coming off the left side bank, the sled again settled into the middle of the path just as it reached the most radical turn of the course.  The camp road formed a large figure eight, and this final turn was at the intersection of the two circles.  The sled would sweep up and high on the left, and then with a hard pull on the steering mechanism, I would attempt to snap it hard to the right.  It was a difficult turn to make, and often I failed.  Because I had been so inconsistent in making this turn, and because I was never able to follow the same path twice, the actual sled run ended here in deep loose snow.  It was a convenient spot since it was adjacent to our trailer and the deep snow acted as a braking area.

It was about this time that my parents appeared outside.  My father, then in his late 50’s but still a boy at heart, took a keen interest in my sledding project.  He watched me make a run then asked why I had stopped the path at the trailer.  I explained the difficulty of the final turn and assured him I had tried several times, but could just never complete it.  Dad looked at the sled then glanced up the hill and with a twinkle in his eye said, “I think I could make that turn.”  I considered myself pretty good with a sled, and figured if anyone were to make the turn it would be me, but I also knew my father had an incredible knack for accomplishing whatever he set his mind to.  So I handed dad the rope, and off he trudged up the hill.

Mom and I were standing by the porch of our trailer when we saw Dad coming through the wide arc of the upper path.  Something caught my attention immediately.  Rather than lying flat on the sled, Dad was on his hands and knees in a crouching position.  He had evidently decided this unorthodox position would give him some unique advantage in coming through the turns, but I still don’t know what that was to be.  Being larger than me, he had gained even more speed than my typical run and now he was entering the final, critical turn.  With a grim look of determination, he turned the sled hard to the right and we watched him actually make it through the turn!  This is where the plan went south, however.  As I have already stated, I did not continue the packed path beyond our trailer.  And has also been stated, the American Clipper did not perform well in deep, soft snow.  So even though Dad had cleared the turn, the sled hit this soft powder and came to an immediate stop.

Any student of physics will recognize Newton’s first law of motion which basically states that a body in motion shall remain in motion unless acted upon by another force.  My father’s unique riding position placed his center of gravity well above that of the sled, so when the sled suddenly stopped, my father’s momentum did not.  The end result of this little physics demonstration was that my father’s body continued on with the same velocity at which he had been traveling at the end of the run.  What happened next plays itself out in slow motion in my memory.  The sled stuck in the snow, and Dad immediately went airborne.  His body sort of straightened into the Superman pose as he continued through the air.  I could almost swear he even stuck his arms forward like Superman, but I think that is my memory taking artistic license. 

I leave my father suspended in midair for a moment to explain one additional part of the story.  I mentioned earlier that we heated the porch area of the trailer with an old WWI pot-bellied stove.  Earlier in the day someone had decided to clean out the ashbin, tossing the ashes into a pile in the middle of the snowy road.  And that is precisely where the projectile that was my father’s body was headed.  Dad did a perfect belly-flop right in the middle of this pile, sending a grey cloud rising from his impact as if it were a plane crashing.  Like Clement Moore’s Christmas elf, when Dad stood up “his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.”  A big grin broke across his snow covered face revealing he was uninjured, but even before we had had those assurances, my mother had already burst into hysterical laughter.  Women seem to be at their happiest when their husbands have nearly killed themselves or caused great bodily harm through some silly action.  It happened three times in my parents’ lives.  The first was before I was born when my father decided he could show my older brother and sister how to skateboard.  As you might have guessed, the skateboard flew from under him sending his feet high in the air and him flying backwards onto his rump.  The second time was this sledding adventure, and the third will be discussed shortly.  Tears literally ran down my mother’s cheeks as she laughed uncontrollably.  The only thing injured was Dad’s pride, and he admitted that perhaps he did not have the better approach to making the turn after all.  And with that he turned over the reins of the sled to me once more. 

The next morning dawned as beautiful as the day before, and I enjoyed a couple of early morning runs down the hill.  However, when I brought the sled back to the trailer, I was inspired by something that caught my eye.  Tucked away under the trailer was an old inner tube from a large tractor wheel.  The giant tube was the source of much summer entertainment on the water.  Large enough to hold several people, it became a floating platform for swimming.  Three to four people could easily sit around its perimeter, and its elastic nature made it a great springboard to practice backwards dives and flips.  On one memorable day it even became my opportunity to become acquainted with a very attractive young lady I had just met.  Although dating a friend of mine (she was visiting the trailer next door without the boyfriend,) I took the opportunity to get to know her and spend an afternoon floating and talking in the warm lake water.  But the days of swimming were months past, and now the tube sat unused.  I had never gone tubing before, but this seemed to me the perfect opportunity to try.  Knowing I would be unable to steer, the use of the road as a sledding course was out of the question.  Instead, I would have to find an unobstructed hill where I would be free to go in any direction the tube chose, and where it could spin without putting me in danger of hitting a tree.

It occurred to me that the hill leading to the frozen lake might be the ideal spot to try.  Raccoon Lake was a reservoir that served as flood control for the Wabash River.  Consequently, in the winter months, they usually dropped the water level considerably in anticipation of spring flooding along the river.  This meant that the cove that usually sat full of water in the summer was now just a small stream.  The lake bottom was left exposed, and its long, sloping mudflats were now frozen and buried in snow.  I went from trailer to trailer looking for a good launching point and found my target a few lots down the road.  This area marked one of the steepest descents from the camp to the lake, as I well knew from repeatedly making the tiring climb from our boat to my uncle’s trailer that sat on the adjacent lot, but it was relatively free of trees, which is what I needed.  It would make for a fast and exciting ride.

Mounting the tube was actually much trickier than I had imagined.  There was a short drop off at the edge of the lot, which meant I had to get on my hands and knees and lay the inner tube on the hill below.  Kneeling on level ground and pulling the tube in tight to the drop-off, I then had to launch myself into the air, grab the sides of the tube and hang on tight.  The inner tube was so large, that it was easy to fall through the middle, so an accurate leap was critical.  My riding pose was sort of a sprawled eagle position with my hands locked over the front edge and my feet over the rear.  Surprisingly, the tube did not spin or turn very much, probably due to the diving start, but as expected the ride was a thriller.

The play of sunlight on snow eliminated any shadows which could have revealed the contour of the land.  So what was unknown to me was that under the snow lay two minor drops.  By themselves they would not have been much of an issue, but the problem was that the cold winter temperature had collapsed some of the air within the inner tube leaving it very soft and spongy.  So with each drop, my body would also drop and compress the inner tube even more.  As it sprang back to its original position, the rebound would launch me into the air.  I could hang on with my hands but not my feet, so my body would literally rise off the tube and then fall back again to its surface.  The key was landing straight, but often my body would come down off center or at an angle, preventing me from getting a good purchase on the inner tube.  Just as my body would make contact with the tube and I would again try to grab its edges, the tube would hit the second dip, and the whole process would be repeated.  If my body were already askew from the first bump, this second bounce was just too much, and I would tumble off into the deep snow and watch the tube glide on without me. 

Once again the boy still residing within my dad reared his head, and he and Mom were soon standing next to me at the top of the hill.  Just as he had done the day before when I was on the sled, Dad got a gleam in his eye and decided he was up to a ride himself.  This ride seemed much riskier, so I carefully explained how to hop on and warned him of the two hazards that awaited below.  Dad eased himself over the small drop-off that was my launching point, choosing to push off rather than make the flying start.  His position was good as he quickly zipped away.  All looked good until he hit the first bump.  Just like me, he was sent flying into the air, and as he came down I knew he was in trouble.  He hadn’t landed off center or at a precarious angle as expected, but rather his body came down on the forward edge of the tube just as it reached the second bump.  Unfortunately, this awkward position left him even more vulnerable to the rebound effect of the second dip, and soon his body was airborne with his feet climbing high over his head.  Rather than the belly flop of the prior day, this time Dad came down head first.  He and the tube came to rest together with only his feet visible.  His head was buried in the snow like an ostrich, and when he emerged to look up at us, his face was hidden behind a thick layer of snow, transforming him into a living, breathing snowman.  He removed his glasses to reveal his eyes, the only recognizable part of his face.  Just as she had done the other time Dad crashed while sledding, Mom collapsed into hysterical laughter.  In fact, she was laughing so hard, she had to grab hold of a tree trunk to keep from falling down.  Even years later, the mere mention of this experience would still send her into tearful fits of laughter.  As for Dad, he emerged unscathed and made the long climb back to the top of the hill.  Never taking himself seriously, he joined in the laughter, and that moment where the three of us stood laughing and wiping tears from our eyes was every bit as enjoyable as any of the tubing rides I had taken that day. 

It is these rare and unexpected moments that I cherish most as I look back on my life.  The sled was passed on to my sister who used it to pull her young daughter through the snow, or who hitched it to Punkin, her collie-shepherd mix to pull as a miniature sleigh.  I can still picture them running down our snow-covered street, Punkin in the lead with Sheila, Karri and their pug, Jim II, chasing along behind.  When the morning was over, Jim II sat panting with Karri on the sled as Punkin pulled them back home.   Her daughter has since grown and built a family of her own.  The sled now sits gathering dust in the rafters of her garage.  The board that served as the “steering wheel” has been replaced, but I still recognize the faded, wooden deck and the popped nails that threatened to snag and tear our clothes all those many years ago.  But more important than the sled are the memories it helped create, and thankfully, those still burn bright in my mind.   Never again will I get the opportunity to make a late evening sled run down the hill at the lake, nor will I hear my mother’s laughter as she pictures Dad’s body being tossed into the snow.  The years have slipped away as quickly as that old inner tube shot down that frosty hillside, and there have certainly been bumps along the way to throw me off balance.  However, on clear winter nights, I still sometimes slip outside and look up at Orion, try to blow smoke rings at the stars and remember all the good times we shared as a family.   And for that moment, I am frozen in time, a boy in winter, and life is good.

Thomas

I had known Thomas all his life, had even neutered him, but for some reason he just didn’t stick in my memory.  And yet here I was going into the exam room to end that life.  His owner, Mrs. Burgess, met me in the room with tears in her eyes.  “So I understand you want to put Thomas to sleep,” I started as I stroked his soft fur and felt his purr of appreciation in reply.  She explained it was not what she wanted to do, but she felt there was no alternative.  She had recently remarried and since the new husband had come into the picture, Thomas had taken to urinating and defecating in the house.  It was something he had never done before, and when the husband was not around or when the pair was gone on vacation, he was as good as gold.  As soon as he returned, so did the accidents.  To her it had come down to Thomas or her husband, so you know who lost.  I suspected there had been some unpleasant altercation between Thomas and Mr. Burgess, but of course I had no proof.  Perhaps, he had relished the full attention of Mrs. Burgess so much when they were living alone together that he was just unwilling to share her with anyone else.  Regardless of the underlying cause, her house was being ruined, and the cat was causing friction between her and her new spouse. 

Although I had the euthanasia solution already drawn into the syringe and tucked into the file with me, I was very reluctant to follow through with her request.  It was obvious we were not doing this for health reasons nor was it anything either of us really wanted to do.  I offered some behavioral suggestions and even medication, but she was unwilling to try them, fearing they would fail and only delay the time until she was back and once again requesting euthanasia.  She admitted it had been so hard bringing him in this time that she could not face doing it again.  The clinic had adopted out a few pets over the years, so I thought I might try a different tack.   I excused myself and went out to talk with my staff.  I wanted to know if any of them knew of someone looking for a cat.  We had had no inquiries, but my technician who had babysat Thomas on a few occasions thought perhaps her mother might be interested.  Cheri’s mom had accompanied her on one of the trips to his house and had instantly fallen in love with him when he had hugged her.    Cheri said that was his best quality - that he gave great hugs.  It was a trait I would come to know well.

I returned to the room and asked Mrs. Burgess if she would be willing to relinquish custody of Thomas to us until we could find him a new home.  Once more the tears flowed as she asked, “You would do that?”  I assured her that putting him to sleep was not something that any of us wanted, and we would work to find him a good home.  The tortured expression she had worn into the clinic suddenly vanished as she felt her burden lifted.  She agreed to leave him with us, kissed her friend good bye and left us, still saddened to be leaving Thomas but relieved that his life would go on.  I carried him from the room, and true to his billing, he flopped a big paw on either side of my neck and nuzzled my face with his.  He really did give great hugs!

Thomas giving Megen a hug

Now, the pressure was on.  Where was I going to find a home for a mature cat? He was already 11 years old and was surrendered because he was urinating in the house.  It was not exactly a grand endorsement.  Besides, cats are a dime a dozen with so many unneutered outdoor cats breeding like rabbits, producing litter after litter of unwanted kittens.  Occasionally, a client would lose a long time pet and seek its replacement, but more often no one seemed interested.  Cheri’s mom was my one great hope, but that hope was quickly dashed when Cheri informed me that her mom would not be taking Thomas.  

We put out feelers and questioned anyone we regarded as a potential good owner, but the answer was always the same – thank you, but no.  For Thomas this meant spending his days in a cage in our kennel area.  I was still trying to keep my distance from him because I didn’t want to become attached only to have to put him down because a home could not be found.  However, I made the mistake of taking him out of his cage one day and holding him.  Again I was greeted with a great big bear hug and a firm head butt.  He did not try to wriggle from my arms like most cats, but instead settled in quite comfortably.  This cat seemed a little different, and I suddenly had pangs of guilt that he was spending all his time locked up in a little cage.  So between appointments, I took him to my office, closed the door and set him down on the floor.  He explored his new environment, then hopped onto my desk and flopped down on the open file in which I was writing.  Thomas was not about to be ignored.  When I worked the file free from him, he reevaluated his situation, gave out a quick meow then climbed from the desk onto my lap to catch a quick nap, but not without once again nuzzling my face as he went.

Thomas checking on work in the front office

It was nice having a cat to stroke and cuddle when I was not seeing patients, so whenever I had a free moment, I hurried to the back and retrieved Thomas.  It was always the same – if there was an open file on my desk, he was on top of it, or if I was on the phone, he would work himself between my face and the receiver or plop down on the phone itself, often pushing buttons and disconnecting me.     Thomas demanded attention, but he gave as good as he got.  Every bit of affection he received he managed to amplify and return.  Soon, I was not the only one pampering him.  I discovered that at lunch, the staff was letting him out to explore.  One day, he had snuggled into a chair in the pharmacy area and had fallen asleep just before the afternoon appointments were slated to begin.  No one could bring themselves to wake him up, so there he remained as the activity around him suddenly picked up.  We all noticed that even after waking, he remained in the back hallway and did not interfere with our work.  So we started granting him even more freedom, and soon he was remaining out the entire time we were open.  Food and water and a litter box were always available in my office, which served as his home base, but he preferred to be where the people and action were.  However, when we were too busy to acknowledge him to his satisfaction, he would slip back to “his room” for a nap on my desk or curled up on a coat in my chair.  

Nap time

Thomas was very accepting of the hustle and bustle around him and even the various animals being led or carted through the halls.  However, we soon learned that he did not like it when another animal became upset.  It was not out of concern for his fellow creature, however.  I don’t think Thomas ever considered himself a cat, but rather saw himself as another person.  If an animal started meowing, barking or growling, he would charge it.  On more than one occasion my technicians felt the sting of his claws as he clambered over their backs to reach the screaming animal, all the while letting out his own banshee cry.  We soon learned that if an animal was becoming upset, someone needed to quickly find Thomas and lock him away.  

Thomas getting close to Jamie

My staff gradually discovered what I had already witnessed – that Thomas had to be in the middle of the action.  Yes, he would take frequent naps in the chair we provided him in the hall, but any new box that was delivered required exploring, as did open cabinets.  He quickly developed a special knack for lying on the phone and activating the intercom system.  Of course there were always open files in the front office, and these became an open invitation to plop down and smother their paperwork.  A basket of catnip mice usually sat for sale on the front counter.  Invariably, Thomas would find it, throw himself into the basket and roll around in his “drunken” stupor, often grabbing one or two of the mice and licking or chewing them until they were unfit to sell and would instead become his.  It wasn’t just catnip mice he would find.  Colleen, one of our office workers, often kept a small cup of Goldfish crackers on her desk.  Frequently, while she was busy helping to check out a client, Thomas would hop through the window from the pharmacy area into the office, find her cup and start snacking on her crackers.  I also learned he would sometimes sneak into the office of one of the other doctors and drink from his glass of water.  This was discovered through Thomas’s tendency to set off allergies.  One afternoon Dr. Steele emerged from his room coughing and sputtering.  He could not figure out what had set off this attack until he looked into his water, and there floating on the surface were the telltale hairs from Thomas.  Sometime later he was actually caught in the act of sneaking a drink from the water glass, but he always won his way back into our good graces with a big hug and a little head butting.  One had to be careful though since head rubbing often led to face licking.  That on its own was tolerable, but if he got very excited he would throw in a little love nip for good measure, and like everything else he did, he nipped with gusto.  Amy, one of my technicians, learned this the hard way when one day he decided to give the lobe of her ear a quick bite and managed to push his canine tooth all the way through the hole for her earrings.  

A favorite resting spot - on top of the phone

 Thomas was not only appreciated by the staff but by the clientele, as well.  In fact, it could be said that he quickly emerged as our goodwill ambassador.  His love of human interaction made him the perfect greeter at the desk.  A client would stroll up to check out and Thomas would hop up on the counter to get their attention.  If they came over to him, they were rewarded with a warm hug, some vigorous face rubbing, and if they were not careful, one of his quick nips.     Over time, most of our clients came to know him by name and many would inquire about him if they had missed seeing him.  

Enjoying his toys

Waiting for his cat treat

 Somewhere along the way the idea of finding Thomas a new home had vanished.  He was home, and he now had quite the extended family.  And never once was there an accident outside the litter box.  He still spent his nights tucked away in my office, but during the day he was free.  Megen, one of my assistants began teaching him simple tricks with the cat treats that always awaited him on the back counter.  He could sit, lay, spin around and high five on command (given you had a treat suspended just in front of his nose.)  Soon cat toys started appearing in my office and at Christmas a small stocking with his name and picture on it materialized with even more gifts.  Thomas was living the good life and all was well until one summer when I was away on vacation.  I got an email saying that Thomas had been attacked by a dog and had sustained some injuries.  One of the doctors had been leading a husky from an exam room to the treatment area in the back.  Coming around the corner quickly, she forgot to look for Thomas.  Before anyone knew what was happening, the dog had pounced on him.  In the end, his gum tissue had been torn from his teeth and he received a puncture on top of his head which later abscessed.  That same doctor who had been leading the dog is the one who then surgically repaired his gums, and Thomas recovered quite nicely.  However, from that day on he was much more leery of dogs.  No more did he charge a whining or crying animal, and he knew to retreat into another room if a large dog were being led through hall.  Although he seemed to have learned his lesson, I was still very uneasy about him being out after that attack.  Something needed to change, but little did I know what it would mean for me.  

Watching the action in the hallway

 I had often toyed with the idea of taking Thomas home to live with me, but Zoobie, my temperamental cat at home had other ideas.  She was quite content being an only child and vigorously charged any cat or kitten I had ever brought home.  It was the same with Thomas.  As soon as she saw the cat carrier, she began her deep, guttural growl followed by hissing.  I let him out and he slowly explored the living room, but Zoobie was in pursuit.  Thomas, used to animals making a ruckus around him, ignored her at first.  He usually ignored other cats with the exception of a cute little black and white diabetic cat named Bashful that frequented the clinic.  With her he was smitten, and whenever her carrier was in the hall, he would parade in front of it purring loudly.  There was also a small stray cat I had brought into the clinic one weekend with whom he developed a romantic interest.  I had set her down on the floor to walk around, and he followed her from room to room.  Finally, just as a tomcat will do during the breeding process, he grabbed her by the neck and practically lifted her from the floor.  He was so assertive I had to pull him off before he hurt her.  So I was torn between two fears.  One was that Zoobie would attack him and they would get into a knock-down-drag-out fight.  My other fear was that he and Zoobie would get used to each other and he would try his romantic move on her, and that would also not end well.  I tried on multiple occasions introducing them to one another.  I would let him roam and Zoobie would always stalk him with me shadowing the pair to make sure a fight did not erupt.  One day I got a little over confident and allowed him to go upstairs without following.  The next thing I heard was a loud cat scream as Zoobie charged him.  Apparently, he had ventured into “her room,” the laundry room where we kept her food and litter box.  That was just too much seeing a strange cat eating her food, so she decided to instantly put a stop to it.  

Zoobie- the prima donna looking sweet and innocent

I was beginning to think there would be no way of taking him home, but someone suggested he could live in my basement.  Our basement had been finished a couple years prior, creating a very comfortable home for him.  There was a large area in which to roam, the softest carpeting in the house, and lots of comfy furniture on which to sleep.  I gave it a try, spending my lunch hours napping with him on the couch and our evenings watching television on the large screen in our theater room just to provide him with the human contact he craved.  He seemed content with this arrangement, and so it came that Thomas once again found a new home.  He and Zoobie would investigate each other under the basement door, and I still tried letting him out on the main floor from time to time.  But they would never become friends.  In time they reached a point of mutual acceptance where they could be out together and basically ignore each other, but I never felt safe leaving him out with her when I was gone.  Besides, his manners were not always the best and we would find him on counters or eating our houseplants.  So the majority of his time was spent in his bachelor pad in the basement.  However, I never got over the guilty feeling of keeping him confined in this dark, isolated portion of our home.  Thus on Wednesdays, in an attempt to assuage these feelings, I would bring him to work.  That is typically our slowest day of the week, so Thomas was free to once again patrol the hallways and cuddle with employees with only minimal interference from other animals. 

 

The years passed, and Thomas thrived in his new home.  Most nights we would all gather on the couch to watch television, with Thomas climbing onto my shoulders and vigorously licking my head before finally settling in on my lap to sleep.  He loved to meet our children’s friends, although some felt he was a little too friendly for their comfort; his love nips actually scaring a few of those who didn’t know him well.  And despite his age, he would still occasionally find a ping pong ball that had rolled from the table and proceed to charge around the basement batting it soccer style.   But always, if there were people about, Thomas was a happy cat.

However, time cannot be ignored and eventually his age started showing.  His eyes developed the clouded lenses that come with advanced age, and it would sometimes take a few attempts to jump up on the couch.  Yet despite these changes, he was still prone to bursts of energy where he would chase me across the basement, grabbing and biting each ankle in turn as I tried to free myself and make it to the stairway.  But the thing I noticed the most was that his water bowl was emptying quicker than it ever had, and his litter box always seemed soaked and heavy with urine.  Nothing else seemed to change, but knowing his age I feared that he was developing renal failure.  I brought him to work and ran some lab work on him.  The blood values were all normal, but the urine’s concentration fell into a range that told me his kidneys were beginning to struggle.  I gradually switched his diet from his usual maintenance style food to one designed to support the kidneys.  Thomas was not impressed.  He ate very little of the new food, but would always gulp down a cat treat.  Another diet was tried with the same result, and then a third diet.  He loved that last diet, but the diet did not love Thomas.  He now had horrible diarrhea, and since I was already worried about his losing excess fluid from his kidneys, I did not want to add to the burden on his body.  So it was back to the original food and he would just have to get used to it.  He reluctantly accepted his prescription diet, but his appetite was never again what it had been before.  

The age beginning to show

A year later found him pretty much in the same shape as before.  He had lost a little weight and was still drinking and urinating excessively, but in every other way he seemed just like his old self.  I repeated his lab tests and the results were the same as the year before.  On the blood side he looked great, but the urine again betrayed the fact that his kidneys were failing him.  I knew one day the tide would change with him, and so it did late in 2011.  In the fall of last year, Thomas, who was always a fat cat began losing weight much more rapidly.  First the fat melted away and then muscle started to follow.  He now waited to be lifted onto the couch with me, and I noticed he no longer walked up on his toes but down on his hocks.  About the same time his appetite started fading away even more.  

Snoozing in a patch of sunlight

By Thanksgiving, he was looking very frail and was moving slower all the time.  It became apparent that he was no longer eating his prescription food.  I tried a canned version, and at first I thought I had found the trick, but he bored of this after only a few days, and I found myself throwing away more food than he ate.  He was down to just licking the fluid but not actually eating anything.  After Thanksgiving, I tried a different approach, bringing down some leftover turkey and mixing it with his food, and he ate it readily.  So I bagged up all the turkey scraps I could find and each day I would mix some with his food.  This lasted for a few weeks, but I noticed a change with even this.  Whereas initially, Thomas ate both his cat food and the turkey, he now only picked the pieces of turkey from the bowl.  On the very last day of my turkey supply, I noticed he did not even eat this.  He was also no longer steady on his feet.  Gone were the bursts of energy and in their place was a staggering gait.  I brought him an old beanbag chair and he spent his days buried deep within it sleeping.  At night he began a mournful cry that sent chills up my spine.  I tried to get him to eat anything I could, but when he refused his old diet as well as his treats (something he had never refused,) I knew the end was near.  

His last two weeks were basically hospice care.  He no longer ate, and his drinking slowly diminished, as well.  He became weaker and weaker, and soon he would not even get out of his bed to greet me.  I brought his water bowl to him and he drank then settled back in to sleep.  When his breath took on the sour smell of uremic poisoning, I knew we were just days from the end.  In my head, I knew I should let him go, and that is how I would have counseled any owner, but my heart would not let me do it.  I prayed for him to go peacefully in his sleep, but Thomas was a strong cat and would not give up the fight.  Finally, on December 29^th, I went down to check on him.  He didn’t even acknowledge me at first, but when I aroused him he let out a sad, pleading cry.  It was as if he were asking me to relieve him of his suffering.  I got him off his beanbag bed and stood him up, but he immediately fell against the chair.  I could not put it off any more; I needed to let Thomas go.  With tears in my eyes I carried him upstairs and lay him in the sunlight of the living room.  Even Zoobie recognized that things were different and she sat back and watched.  I had brought the euthanasia solution home knowing this day would eventually come.  My wife stroked him and talked to him while I clipped the hair from his leg and set the catheter.  Thomas never tried to fight it; he just lay on his side.  His passing was very peaceful, but it tore at my heart, nonetheless.  In my position as a veterinarian I have euthanized hundreds of pets over the years, but this was by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever done as a pet owner.  I can never again question an owner who falters at the moment of deciding whether or not they should put their pet to sleep. 

I wrapped Thomas in a towel and carried him to the backyard where I had prepared a grave.  I still had tears in my eyes as I buried him and marked the spot until I can have a grave marker made.  He now rests on the back edge of my property overlooking the creek.  It is the first spot warmed by the sun in the morning.  This spring I will plant flowers over his grave in his memory.  I sent Mrs. Burgess a brief note letting her know Thomas had passed and thanking her for the wonderful gift she had given me.  My life has been so much fuller because of Thomas.   His loss has left a huge void in my life, and the house now seems so empty without him.  I open the door to the basement and await his meow, but there is only silence.  I’ve not even been able to bring myself to move his beanbag chair.  But sometimes, I come across a small clump of his hair and pick it up and touch it, remembering all the times I sat holding him and stroking that fur and wishing I had just one more chance to feel his warm, wonderful hug.  

Thomas you were an amazing cat, and I will miss you always!